The Myth of the Cantaloupians





Have you ever heard the story of Christopher Columbus?

You probably have heard an adaption of it, but you haven’t heard the true story.

When people read papers with Christopher Columbus’ name on it, they thought that it said his last name was Columbus. But his real name was not Columbus.  His real name was Cantaloupius.  Christopher Cantaloupius, to be sure.  Recently, folks have discovered by close examination that the diaries and letters indeed say ‘Christopher Cantaloupius’, but are ashamed and do not want the rest of the world to know the real truth.

The story does not end with the explorer’s name.  It continues!

In reality, Christopher Cantaloupius traveled to what is now called America and the natives their loved cantaloupes.  Every morning, every noon, and every night they ate cantaloupe.  Fried cantaloupe, smoked cantaloupe, cantaloupe salad, and cantaloupe soup.  Cantaloupe smoothies and cantaloupe sandwiches!  Not only this, the antelopes were in abundance!  Antelopes continually dining on cantaloupes!

When Christopher Cantaloupius came upon the natives, the antelopes, and the cantaloupes, he immediately knew the land must be called Cantaloupia.  It was the perfect name to honor himself and the native fruit.

Christopher Cantaloupius was very intrigued by the people and country.  He fell in love with a native lady.  They wished to marry, and Christopher Cantaloupius asked the native lady’s father for permission.  The father refused.  After persistent begging and persistent refusing, Christopher and the native lady decided to run away and marry.  They slipped out in the middle of the night.  Before long, they were captured and tied to trees by the lady’s fellow natives.  They couldn’t escape.  Christopher Cantaloupius hands were tied, and he was violently pushed off the new world in his leaky ship with a diminishing crew who had also tried to marry native ladies, but couldn’t.   

On the return voyage to Europe – for Christopher could not return to Cantaloupia or he would face certain death – Christopher Cantaloupius named the people of the country he had discovered ‘Cantaloupians’ for two reasons.  The first reason was that he had named the land Cantaloupia in honor of himself and the native fruit and to call the people ‘Cantaloupians’ would be very natural.  The second reason was that if anyone having trouble getting married due to lack of permission asked for advice, the answer would be ‘well, you can’t elope.’

Christopher Cantaloupius’ ship sunk four miles from the shore of Europe.  The documents were found in an air tight chest at the bottom of the sea, three hundred years after the shipwreck.

The papers were in good condition, until a sunken ship robber accidently opened the trunk of papers while his hands were still wet with sea water.  He handled all the papers, making them difficult to read before selling them.

This is the true story of Christopher “Columbus” Cantaloupius.



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